May 14, 2019

I was called fat once in the 7th grade. In fact, I think the joke was “How did the titanic sink? It hit Jordan.” Titanic had just come out in theaters so it was a double whammy to come to the realization that due to my size- Leo DiCaprio wasn’t going to be a regular in my future days. What’s interesting to me about this scenario is that I really wasn’t fat at all. Like not even a little bit. I’ll give you the fact that I had big boobs and I didn’t turn down a French fry but I wouldn’t even describe me as chubby. It didn’t matter though- the stone had been cast and the internalization that I was overweight was now part of my identity. I had been rejected, deemed unworthy and I felt unlovable for the first time in my life. Fast forward 20 years and that’s what I “know” people still say about me. When I hear whispers, or think someone is saying my name or hear a girl ask what I look like- my first thought is- “they are talking about my weight?” Isn’t it funny? How we place thoughts, words and judgements on people they never really had? How we manage to put our own feelings of rejection and unworthiness on to someone else? I cling to this verse. Lawd Jesus- in swimsuit season- I cling to this verse. I say it over and over again until I can remember that was just one 12yo girl and if she knew now she had hurt my heart- she would probably be devastated. Most people are good and most people don’t want to be held responsible for thoughts and words that belong deep in your past. As women, we do often carry the burdens of bygone hurts, unspoken breaks and torn relationships with us long after we should have laid them at the cross. Maybe it’s the way you look, the parent who wasn’t there, the divorce that broke you, the belief that you’ll never be good enough- whatever it may be- I pray you lay it down- you give it to Jesus whose truths can crush any identity not rooted in Him, whose grace can cover any wrong doing and whose strength can carry you through any rejection that feels too difficult. He is goodness. He is love and any judgements or thoughts you carry-were never those of the people who really mattered and certainly never those of the God who died to know you!

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